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[Feb. 2nd, 2009|12:04 am] |
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Heyyyy. So I'm pretty sad lately. I've forgotten what it's like to be the happy girl. I think I'd hate myself now if I were the happy girl. But I hate myself even more because I don't remember what it's like to be the happy girl. My self esteen hasn't been this bad since I Was in the 9th grade. The year 2000. 9 years ago. Before Aaron. I've become so pathetic. Back to feeling incomplete on my own. That's not healthy. Not at all. And I hate it. I felt like I had a ton to write, to get off my chest. But this isn't doing it. I need to feel like I'm not a burden to my friends. I need someone to sing Saves the Day with. Why does it seem so impossible to find? Why do I feel like giving up at the age of 22? Becuase I'm a miserable person. I think that sums it up. My best friend told me a few weeks ago that I only think of myself. She's apoligized and said she didn't fully mean it. But I don't even feel like I'm good enough to write in my own freaking online journal. My life isn't that bad, but why's it feel like I have nothing to live for? To teach me some kind of horrible lesson. I know this. I'm miserable. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2008|12:55 pm] |
I pretty much had forgotten I had a livejournal. It's therapeutic for those issues you want to discuss but don't really want anyone to actually read them. Mainly, of course, those issues concerning the ultimately obnoxious and confusing emotion we call Love.
So the guy I was talking about when I last wrote in April, he ended up getting drunk and confessing his feelings for me? And then accidentally putting his thing in my butt. Long story short, I couldn't let him do all of that, let alone in my butt, with him being drunk. But, I can say that he at least drunkenly wanted me. He has since sadly and unfairly gotten fired from work, so I don't see him hardly at all anymore. But I do enjoy that I had at least that much with him? Weird.
Anyway, so around that same time... which was around mid June, I had signed up for online dating on one of the worst nights of my life. Didn't really know what to expect except a for sure feeling of total humiliation. Ran into a couple of totally freaky stalkers, a bazillion men over the age of 40, and one very, very attractive young man. And I am proud to say that that attractive young man is now my boyfriend. He is pretty much incredible, and everything that I didn't even know I was looking for in someone. Lives in Frederick, wonderful music, wonderful style, WONDERFUL personality all the way around, loves his Jesus, Sings like nobody's business. Just all around have the best time with him. Here comes the kicker. Within the first couple weeks of dating, he reveals to me that he's thinking about moving back to Indiana where he grew up. And about a week ago, revealed to me that it's officially happening September 12th.
He has no interest of persuing a long distance relationship since we've only had about 2 months to build a relationship. He wants to apparently remain friends when he goes. And he sincerely apologizes for being the second guy to leave me for the midwest.
It's one of the strangest feelings I've ever experienced to have something so wonderful that you know is going to come to an end. And you have a set date for when it is ending. I am not looking forward to dating random guys again. And he's given me hope that I can find someone perfect for me. But I can't stand the thought of going through a ton of crappy guys until I find another good one again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2008|11:42 pm] |
Candy and I did get an apartment. It is wonderful. We've been here since April 1st. It's in the other end of Hagerstown. One day, I will spread my wings far away, but not yet.
I think... I am officially burnt out on being single. Yes, after almost 10 months, I am ready to be taken and mediocre. I am crushing like a 6th grade girl on this really spectacular guy, who I'm sure feels nothing for me.
Since Aaron and I are very good friends now, I get to hear all about how his girlfriend is amazing in every way, which is mildly weird. Mostly when he's saying stuff that still applies to me. They're not moving in with each other right away anymore.
I went and saw him when he went on his first tour and his band played in Penn State last week. Can't believe the dreams are actually coming true. Too bad they're coming true without me. Hm.
And so ends this melancholy livejournal entry. Good old livejournal. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2008|07:35 pm] |
A few nights ago I had the first dream of my life where I was getting married and my groom's face never made an appearance. Never thought that would happen. In real life, Aaron is apprently going to be moving in with his girlfriend whom he is newly in love with this summer. If I sound bitter, I'm really not. Just amazed at how life plays out. 6 months after the fact...
I am still somehow enjoying my single life. And there's no smoking in bars anymore, which is the most amazing thing to happen to me in months.
I could write alot, but I keep a diary of daily events in my calendar these days, so.... |
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| New Years 2008 Memories |
[Jan. 14th, 2008|11:51 am] |
Along with the hundreds of pictures we took, that can be observed on my Myspace, there were many other memories made as we rang in 2008 in style:
~Joining the Amtrak Express Club and screaming "Hump me! Hump me! Hump me!" for a little boy to overhear as he colored pictures right outside of the train bathroom.
~"The banyay! Get the banyay!" Or badet, or potty, whatever it was.
~"We're in the freaking Waldorf!!!" as I jump up and down clapping
~The last pictures before we left for Times Square being of Candy and I and the mini bar. If we got lost, we'd need search fliers, and they'd say "Please help bring these alcoholics home."
~My last meal of 2007 was a 15 dollar plate of potato skins from TGI Fridays. And I ate all but two bites.
~Standing in the most quiet crowd of people for 8 solid hours without moving more than a few feet.
~Times Square sucks at cell phone service.
~The ball looks like a dot. And you couldn't even see it at midnight becuase of the fireworks and confetti. It was still awesome.
~Around 11:30, people started to get ancy. Including this group of... I don't even know where they were from. But they were singing, and screaming, in their foreign tongue, and I got so annoyed. I would turn around and scream at them lines like "If you don't shut up, I'm going to go freaking NUTS!!!" But they couldn't understand me. Candy later said she's never seen me that aggravated in the 17 years we've been besties.
~Right after midnight, I got separated from Candy and Mike. I wandered around Times Square for a few minutes, and then called them. "We're in front of the T-Mobile." "Really? So am I" I never would have found them. We were only about 15 feet away from each other. Scariness.
~I crawled around the gutters of Times Square picking up real-life confetti and ran into a dead animal in doing so. Kept right on going.
~Fell asleep at 1:15 and woke up at 11:30. Slothiness to start the new year.
~First meal of the new year was one of NYC's finest pizza shops. When they paged our table for "Beard" they definitely called us "Bread" and now Mike Beard is called Mr. Bread. We posed insanely with our pizza, and Mr. Bread stated a famous line, "No, really, we come here all the time"
~Then we went to Little Italy. Somehow, Italy, with all it's Gestapo was much friendlier than China Town. I bought the most expensive cannoli on Earth from a real Italian, and then got sensual with it on the subway.
~We wandered around being tourists, and stopped at Rockefeller Center's ice skating rink, and they were playing Boxcar Racer. <3
~And then we went out. And I can't even mention the things that happened. We'll sum it up by saying "unfortunate situations" in the streets of NYC and the Waldorf Astoria. That I loved.
~Mike sent us the most beautiful text message from the restrooms of FAO Schwarz..."make way for hazmat."
~We explored Times Square looking for the Naked Cowboy so I could have his lovechildren. And when we were unsuccessful, we ate at a restaurant, where he was on tv being sued by his live in girlfriend? It was insane. Mike was a champ for taking a picture.
~The final stop of the trip was to Tiffany's. We bought friendship jewelry, and I love it insanely.
~Candy almost barfed because of the heinous smell on the elevator is the subway. I can hardly blame her
Pretty much, the best start a year has ever had. I thank the beautiful Candy and Mike so much for the company they provided!!!
As I had rather predicted, Candy and Mike split up two days after we got back. So she is currently living with me. We'll probably be getting an apartment together in a couple months. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2007|11:09 pm] |
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I'm going to be in Times Square when the ball drops to 2008!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2007|03:42 pm] |
My turn 21 in two days! I am not all that excited to be able to booze it up like a crazy sailor. It happens.
Um, so yeah, just to update about talking to Aaron, it's going well. It seems like he may have struggled to get over me, and may not be over it yet entirely. I just don't get it. What's up with guys breaking up with their girlfriends and then the girlfriends recover quicker. Hm. I'll feel bad if Aaron reads this. Don't worry Aaron, no one else does.
He's a good guy. To the max. He calls Chaz "Chex" which cracks me up like there is no tomorrow. : ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|10:51 am] |
I am writing so much in livejournal lately. Weird.
So... I kept thinking about talking to Aaron yesterday, asked a bunch of friends opinions, decided something along the lines like if he was on myspace, I'd send him a message. Well, I get home, and he's on aim, and I'm like, hello fate. I love fate. So I go ahead and say hi, and he asks if I want him to call, and I like sure, and so we talked on the phone for over an hour. It was really amazing how easy it was for me. I thought it may be weird, but it really wasn't. I didn't talk about all the man drama. I'll save it for later. I did ask him if he had any girls in the situation, he said a little ditty about how he doesn't have time, etc. But we got caught up on crap. It was good. Hopefully we can stay friends. I really mean that. He did a few classic things that made me smile. I missed our friendship. I wonder if he still reads this. I'll feel like a total lamewad. Anway, yeah, I'll keep the 2 people that read this, and more of myself posted... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2007|01:19 pm] |
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Coming back even earlier. He's hitting on my best friend. He's a total jerk-off. I'd say I miss good "men", but that would be a lie. I just kind of miss Aaron. Ugggh. Lame. I keep thinking about emailing him or something. Maybe we could be friends. It's kind of retarded to throw away everything. If it's possible to be friends, I'd like to. I don't know if it's possible, but I'd like to try. I don't know. I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks now, and the thought won't go away. He's already got to hear all about my sexcapades from hacking into my email. Wouldn't be much of anything new, except maybe he'd be able to listen and make me feel better. I don't know if I could handle hearing the same anything about his. From what I can tell from myspace, he hasn't had any... I know, it's just myspace, who can tell. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2007|10:21 am] |
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Sheeeeesh. I do NOT miss that piece of booty meat. In the opposite end of the spectrum, he's coming back in a month and a half and I'm pretty much dreading it. Gotta find myself a hot man, and STAT! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2007|03:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Love making mix.... | ] |
Yay! The painting party happened! And good times happened. Ugh, I'm gonna miss that piece of booty meat. Seriously, cracks me up. So mean, yet so delicious. Wish I didn't feel like the last email Aaron wrote me was a big pile of crap. Cried for the first time in two months. F that. Going to meet John Basedow tonight with my best girl and our hot men. Loves it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2007|09:13 am] |
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Ha, minus the ha. Def got stood up. And boy, were we pissy too. Still am pissy. Bunch of crap. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2007|09:31 am] |
"I'll cry if he ever deletes me..." I said that a while ago. Well, I definitely didn't cry. I am mildly confused though. Actually, I kind of get it. But still. Hm. That's really about all I have to say about that.
Here's hoping no one secretly reads this that I don't know about. Chaz leaves for Montana in 11 days. : ( Sucks. He's coming to fix the bathroom pipes tonight. I hope to goodness we don't get stood up. |
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[Oct. 9th, 2007|11:38 am] |
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I'm sure I'll change my mind on this in a matter of days, but just to mark it, I am officially thrilled to be single!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|03:02 pm] |
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I GOT A TATOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! AND I LOVE IT! Check out my myspace for pictures. Other than that, life went kind of crazy for about a day. Now it's back to same old stuff. Had the worst vacation of my life. Getting hit on by scuzzy guys. Pretty much living in Hancock now. None of my stuff's there yet. Spent today actually going through and getting rid of stuff. Read: the memory trash bag as well as other things. Go me! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2007|10:21 pm] |
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So, yep. I don't have a whole lot to say, but I'm writing anyway. Becuase I'm cool like that. I'm still waiting for many hot men to throw themselves at me, but it's happening little by little. So, sweet. That is all... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2007|11:36 am] |
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So I know that no one really reads this. But myspace blogs have way too many people that read them. Life is weird. It's so weird to be with someone for 6 years and then he's not there. Haven't talked to him in over a month and a half. I can't deny it, I check his myspace. I wonder if he checks mine too. I'll cry if he ever deletes me. I said I couldn't be friends, and honestly, it would be so incredibly awkward if we tried, but I miss him. The Wonder Years last night was sad. Plus, I'm hormonal right now. Music is sad again temporarily. I mean, I know it's not been long, but I want to fall in love to music. Not just listen to it all by myself. There's this boy toy. And he was really good to hang out with. Good fun and such. But there's so no future there. At least he doesn't see any. It's like, how could someone love every bit of me for such a long time, and then I can be pretty much repellent to someone else. Weird for me to get used to. I've been thinking lately about moving out of my house. For a good many reasons. I know it won't happen too quickly, but I've never had the desire at all, so it's kind of monumental that I do now. My boss started asking me about promotions at work again. That's always nice. Also one of the reasons why I may want to get out on my own. I had a date a couple weeks ago. A real date. I didn't really dig him. I mean, he wasn't horrible, but I've decided that it's not really worth it to make new dude friends unless there's romantic chemistry there. So yeah, I just have to keep track of my priorities in life. And whatever is meant to happen, will. I've always believed that. But it's hard. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2007|09:53 am] |
Yay!!!! I went to Warped Tour!!! And it was freaking awesome.
Random highlghted moments:
Seeing a bunch of bands, some of which I like more than others: Straylight Run!, Hawthorne Heights, New Found Glory!, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus...
So, there's this band called Boys Like Girls, that is apparently HUGE, but I'd never really heard of them. So as all the teeny-boppin ladies are all singing along, I ask one of them "if [she] knows who this band is" and the look she gave me was absolutely pricless. I'm assuming it was like someone asking if we'd ever heard of Blink-182 back in the day. But they were pretty sexy. I saw them then at number 2 on TRL yesterday. Oh TRL.
There was an extreme lack of incredibly sexy indie men there. Truly disappointed. The one we were with was pretty hot though.
Speaking of hot men, I met the freaking STARTING LINE!!!! I really love their music. And after hugging their rippling muscles, I really like their bodies too! Man, I'm such a slut. But I got my picture with them. And they signed my shirt. And I really wanted to marry them. I didn't get to see them play live, but it was ok.
We saw this band KillSwitch Engage? They're pretty popular in the metal world I guess. It's noteworthy, becuase I'm sure people have heard of them, just not me... They put on a good live show. Which surprisingly, not every band did.
The fields were so nasty and dry. Lauren insisted I wear flip flops. Which turned out fine except our feet were CRUUUSSTTTTYYY!!! Super crusty.
That's about all I can recall right now. Check out my myspace for pictures. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2007|10:51 am] |
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Unless stuff falls through, I'm going to freaking Warped Tour tomorrow!!!!!!!! |
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